Articulations from the Extroverted Introvert

I am not deserving, but He deserves better.

There is a section in Ephesians that compares a husband and wife to Christ and the church. I am a terrible wife.

Although it is not specifically required of me to read my Bible daily or go to church weekly, it really would be one way to show love. I could show that I care enough about the relationship to go further than a nightly prayer as I fall asleep. My money should be better invested in the church. Just overall time should be given, instead of “fitting Him in” my schedule.

While the passage is often viewed as a way to better understand how to love your spouse, I feel it can be reversed also. Dates are not specifically required, but it is a way to show love. Nightly conversations are fine and even important, but there is so much more to a relationship than just that. Gifts are not a must either, but again is another love language, same goes for time.  You should want to spend time with your spouse, and the same should be for God.

I want people to know that I am in love. I want to show it. More than anything, I want Him to know it too.

Lyrics from Love Song by Jason Morant.

This semester I was accepted into the University Ambassadors…aka tour guides. You’d think they would get paid, but no, the joke’s on you - please pay $15 for dues, another $15 for the polo and an additional $35 for the “waterproof” jacket in case of rain (which is does constantly here). Now here is your binder, memorize the contents of all dates and numbers in order to give an excellent tour. And don’t forget - meetings are every other week for an hour! All this just so you can walk backwards around campus with a few families dawdling behind you, complete with ridiculous questions that in the end will have no weight on their decision to attend school here. Kind of a rip-off if you ask me.

Last week I had a shadow tour with the guy who just was voted UA (University Ambassador) of the Year. Seriously, this guy (Chris) is a maniac when it comes to giving tours. He gives one probably every day and the requirement is only once a month. Granted, you do get paid minimum wage (which is much less in Missouri than in Iowa) for extra tours, but still. Afterwards, we had a short discussion about stuff. Essentially, he vented about a bunch of things with his girlfriend and how he hates the idea of greek life.

“So where are you living next year?”

“Oh, um, I’m transferring.”

Just goes to show how easy it is to make it seem like you love a school to ten other people without liking it at all. I never even lied. Really all you have to do is talk about all of the things they have going for them or say factual things with a smile signifying that it’s a good thing. Like the size of the school, or how all of the construction is going on within the next few years - just smile. Make friendly jokes about walking backwards or say something about how fun it is to go from class to class outdoors and in your rainboots. Tell them we have football games and basketball games, but then don’t mention that no one stays past halftime (and really that’s only to hear the band).

Omit the fact that you watch all your friends go home every weekend because there is nothing going on at school. Leave out the details about all of the classrooms you didn’t show on the tour because they are hideously ugly. Forget to mention the fact that if you are without a car, you basically are stuck on campus unless you decide to venture out to Taco Bell down the street. Don’t tell them that no one has school spirit and that on any given day you will most likely see more Mizzou t-shirts than Missouri State ones. No need to tell them that they are coming to the Bible belt, complete with all kinds of crazy religious folks that make you want to throw up. Definitely don’t bother mentioning that you have yet to meet someone who loves it here.

So it at one point was an April Fools joke, but now it looks like it’s coming true. I’m transferring to ISU. The reasons why were pretty well outlined in the post from April 1. I’m kinda thrilled. Sometimes I have my doubts and question myself, but overall I think it really will be the best decision for me next year. That all being said, I am incredibly grateful that I did not start out there. Some of the people I’ve met and things I did get the opportunity to be a part of were wonderful. Still, let’s go Cyclones.

Lyrics from La-Da-Da by Basia Bulat who is amazing and a new fave.

In my film class I have learned more than I ever thought I would learn. Who knew the plot line and story line were nothing alike? The list of movies I’d like to see has multiplied, and I have found a new love of foreign films. I am realizing that I have favorite directors and understanding more of the work that really goes into each and every second of a film.

One of the things we have talked about is the way certain directors do things. Each one typically has a way of doing things with each film sharing similar messages or having common motifs. I began to wonder if it was always intentional or it just naturally happened. There are also an array of deeper meanings we often fail to see. It took me awhile to wrap my brain around this for some reason.

Finally, I realized that I do the same thing with my blogs. Each are unique to the post, but have a common line of thinking. There are motifs that carry throughout them, and also deeper meanings that are hidden or accidental. They say a lot about what I am thinking, but at the same time seem to only scratch the surface.

When a director makes a film it really reflects the kind of things they are thinking and major influences present. It is their creative release that they choose to share with all of us. Having a deeper understanding of it has caused my to find a greater appreciation of film.

Lyrics from Black and White Movie by Janove Ottesen.

Something that is often overlooked is the topic of boundaries. There is a myth floating around out there that suggests that if you are a truly loving person then you must also be self-sacrificing and giving all the time. That is a hideous lie, and no one should have to suffer the guilt trip associated with it. In a perfect world, everyone would be self-sacrificing to a point that you would not be worried about someone else taking advantage of you. We don’t live in a perfect world. Therefore, it is harmful to yourself and the other person to constantly be giving. No one benefits from that kind of relationship, there must be a return.

Don’t mistake the point I am trying to make. In no way should you do things only for reciprocation. Also, understand that there will be times when it will seem more one way than the other. It becomes a problem though when there is no thanks or gratitude for the things you have done. It becomes a problem when you are constantly trying to please others and it is henceforth expected of you to give yourself. This is when you must realize that you are being used

For example, I’m friends with a girl from my political science class. She is super sweet and we get along well. Let’s call her Alicia, because that’s her name. Alicia is a Christian and really genuinely wants to show love to people. Enter Brett, sits in the front row and is a little odd. Brett skips class and often. When the first test came around he suddenly was desperate for notes because the teacher lectures without powerpoint or notes and the test are basically just from that. Alicia graciously offered to e-mail her notes. Test number two, “Alicia, can I still get notes from you?” Test three, “Did you get my e-mail? I need your notes.” Although seemingly gradual, suddenly Alicia is allowing Brett to skip class and all he has to do is ask for all of her notes nicely typed. Does he do anything in return? Is that what love is all about? Because to me, it seems that Brett is no longer learning how to prepare for the tests himself and be responsible for his actions. Alicia hates doing it, but now feels trapped.

This is where boundaries get to come into play. It is not a good idea to close yourself off to the world and say, “Good luck and have fun, but don’t expect anything from me.” Nah, that is not the best option overall (perhaps at times, but only rarely). There should be a balance between how much you are able to give, how much even needs to be given, and the purpose behind all of this giving. Please love people to no end, but don’t act as an enabler to do whatever they please.

If there were no boundaries you would just constantly be walked all over. I think that it is perfectly acceptable to get to a point and claim something of your own. These are my feelings. This is my time. This is my decision. This is my space. You don’t get to share them with me. Please respect me and my boundaries. I still love you, I promise, but understand this is hurting both you and me, not to mention our relationship.

Lyrics from Prophecy by Remy Zero.

Because I am a college student that is up late most nights and probably have a mild case of insomnia I have a pretty good idea of what is on television after 2 a.m. Let me tell you what I absolutely cannot stand - Televangelists that just want your money.

Really? How can they do it? I recently came across one that had printed across the screen you would receive 10 times the blessing if you donated over $2,500. WHAT? What about the poor widow who gave only two small coins and then Jesus said she gave more than the others (Luke 12)? Who is able to say the exact dollar amount that equals more blessing? And how are they okay with doing that?

What really makes me sick is that the camera scans the volunteers handling the phones like any other business would before cutting back to the choir singing an upbeat hymn. Are all of those people behind it too? Where does the money all go?

Correct me if I am wrong, but I do not remember the disciples asking people for money. When asked for money, Peter replied, “Silver and gold I do not have” (Acts 3). These televangelists are shown wearing really nice clothes and on a really cool stage and on television asking for more money. Is this really spreading the good news? If so, then I’ve been doing it all wrong.

I hope that’s not what all people who stay up after 2 a.m. think of Christians.

Lyrics from Money by Pink Floyd.

After years of almost being able to go but then not, it was about time. Wednesday night I attended what for me will be the concert of the year. Ben Folds. Not only did I see Ben Folds, but I was touching the stage the whole time. I had a front row ticket and the very most center seat in the row. All for only $12. Life is good.

He was wonderful and I loved it. I must confess that I was absolutely bummed that he did not play my two favorite songs - Army and Gracie. He played some stuff from Ben Folds Five that was really old and then some songs yet to be released.

Normally I would not consider myself too celebrity crazy. They are all just people anyway. But Ben Folds would be one exception. Was I freaking out every time he looked my way? Heck yes. I swear we made eye contact because really, I was the first person he saw. Also, I yelled out randomly when he was telling a story and he totally turned to me and responded (true story). I know, I know, it’s all crazy and silliness but I was pretty stinkin’ excited.

Did I take illegal pictures? Of course I did, and from the stage at that. Did I buy a t-shirt? Obviously. Did I get an autograph? Sadly no, sorry Clara. Here’s some of the pictures though.

Lyrics from Philosophy by Ben Folds (and I totally heard him sing this one live!)

So, I have been relatively reserved about my love of Missouri State. The truth of the matter is that I don’t love it. Hate it? No, but I do feel like I could get so much more out of my college experience. I’ve felt restless for so long now that it is time for a change. Missouri State was great for what it was (free tuition and a step out of Iowa) but now I must face the facts. It isn’t for me.

Last night I had long conversations with a few different people - a friend down the hall, my boyfriend, and my mom. My friend is transferring next year and has felt many of the same things I’ve felt this past year. We both agree we could have something better. Over the phone I explained all of the things I did not like about this school and how I felt like I was wasting my time and money. Finally, I told my mom how much I wanted to look into something different. Before last night I had hinted every once in a while about the possibility to my mom, but now it’s been made clear.

After a long and quiet online search at schools the past few months and many different thoughts and ideas running through my head I think that I have made a decision. Considering finances and realistically thinking distance-wise my options became narrowed, especially within the last month. Finally it is certain. Next year I will be transferring to Iowa State. I love the size of the school and have looked into some of the programs. The price is reasonable, and it would not be too difficult to transfer. Yes, I’ll be back in Iowa, but that has it’s advantages too. Iowa State has the kind of school spirit and town in which I would rather be. Basically I am super excited and happy with this decision!

Lyrics from Fortunate Fool by Jack Johnson.

Something that I continually question is a woman’s role, particularly in the church. In I Corinthians 14 and also in 1 Timothy 2 there are verses that say women should remain silent and are not allowed to speak in church. Various churches approach this very differently. I suppose it all comes down to how literally you approach and interpret the Bible.

1 Timothy 2:11-12 says, “A woman should learn in quietness and full submission. I do not permit a woman to teach or to have authority over a man; she must be silent.” Some churches think this means that women are not to have roles over men in the most literal sense, therefore cannot teach any male over the age of 18, including Sunday school. Seriously? Is this what this verse is supposed to mean? Alright then, let’s backtrack a bit. 1 Timothy 2:9 says, ” I also want women to dress modestly, with decency and propriety, not with braided hair or gold or pearls or expensive clothes” Is this then to be enforced literally? Because if you go into a church it will be almost rare to see a woman without one of those. Why should one verse be emphasized so greatly above the one that is directly before it?

Then there are other churches that really value what women have to say and think it is extremely important to have a different perspective. There are then women leaders and deacons and elders and pastors. Seriously? Does that mean we are going to forgo that verse altogether? Some will argue that the time period in which that was taught women were uneducated and actually sat on a different side than the men. This means that when they had questions they were shouting across the room and being disruptive. These verses were put in Paul and Timothy’s letters to allow the message to be uninterrupted.

Regardless of what the deal is, I would just like to state that I thoroughly appreciate male leadership among the church. For example, the bible study I am in is co-ed (also, it’s through a completely student-led organization=super cool), and it is just so uplifting to see my brothers in Christ taking the initiative to see that there is spiritual growth among the group. In my opinion, there is room for both. Yes, I think women have valuable things to say and should be heard, but I strongly believe that the church needs male leadership. I’ve seen certain men really slack off and leave others to pick up the pieces, while I’ve also seen some of the most amazing men go above and beyond. For this, I am so grateful and will never forget what those men have done for me in times of need. It can set an incredible example and is something I highly value. It makes me feel protected, cared for, and loved. Thank you.

Lyrics from We Belong Together (Tarzan and Jane) by Steven Curtis Chapman.

I think that I love tattoo parlors. Well, at least I like the nice ones. If they hired receptionists I would definitely apply for a summer. There is just something about the atmosphere that is cool. The people that work there usually have dozens of tattoos and crazy piercings, and I find it incredibly interesting. Each of them has a story about the artwork displayed on their bodies. It is something they felt should be there permanently, therefore should have significant meaning.

It is highly unlikely that I will ever get a tattoo. If I did though, it would go on the bottom of my foot (sounds incredibly painful, I know. But really-what tattoo isn’t?). That way I would have a hidden tattoo, but I would not have to get naked in order to prove that I had one. The only thing is that you really can’t do this. Because feet sweat so often and go through so much wear and tear most tattoo artists refuse to do it. Also, it is highly likely that it will be gone within a short time. The amount of nerves that are there, and the lack of loose skin equates to an extremely painful temporary tattoo. So, I’m not going to get a tattoo.

Lyrics from Not Just Words by The Black Heart Procession.

Fight or Flight. That’s what happens right? When you are stressed or overwhelmed? Apparently it is something that has been scientifically tested and there are plenty of studies that back it up. I’m sure you could wikipedia it for more info about what exactly goes on when you have those feelings. Whatever.

Fight or Flight. It’s a common coping mechanism in order to deal with things going on in a person’s life. Sometimes they say women have different hormones and therefore are more likely to be nurturing, which goes into the nature vs. nurture argument. This then leads to the argument of intelligence and that just is not what this blog is about.

Fight or Flight. It’s often shown in animal behaviors, like in penguins. Oh wait, they can’t fly. Shoot, bad example. Alright, robins or something. Who cares…the point is, it happens with animals or birds or something.

Fight or Flight. There is a Grey’s Anatomy about it - season two I believe. Basically it discusses patients and their will to live and then the doctors and their motivation to keep up with their crazy lives. There might also be a Scrubs episode that is similar, but don’t quote me on that one.

Fight or Flight. I have become tired of fighting and have no where to fly. What the heck now?

Lyrics from Still Fighting It by Ben Folds.