“Empty handed, surrounded by a senseless scene”

In a week I’ll be packing up my alloted one suitcase, one carry-on, and purse. A week from tomorrow I will kiss loved ones goodbye and get on a plane to China for the next month. 

No, it’s not a mission trip.

I am very sure in my faith and if the opportunity presents itself, you can be certain I’ll share what I believe. My Bible will be with me at all times and read frequently. I will be praying for whatever God’s will is for this trip, and I implore you to do the same.  

Overall, I want to travel. The trip is through study abroad, and I’ll get some college credit for going. I know of others also going to China this summer through a campus ministry and that is great. I will admit however that sometimes I feel slight dissonance about being a Christian and going on a trip that does not revolve around missions. 

Perhaps it is my own projected apprehension, or maybe there actually is a sense of disappointment among certain circles. Regardless, please know that I have not abandoned my faith, but I have learned a lot from short term mission trips in the past. In my experience, I’ve probably gained more from those trips than the people I helped. Through such experiences I have grown both spiritually and as a person. Short term missions have a definite place and are important, however there is also a point in ones life when you want something more. 

I don’t want to spend only a week helping kids that see dozens of church groups a year. In my opinion, mission trips should not be used for travel. While there are people all over the world in need of love, there are several people equally deprived of knowing God’s love here, in the middle of Iowa. You have more than a week to love on them and pour into them. In fact, you can be their friend all the time, not for 10 days. That all being said, I do not think it is wrong to go on mission trips. I understand and believe that some people have a heart for overseas missions. Maybe one day I’ll be in a place in my life to do that long-term. Otherwise, I’d hope live my life as one big mission trip… to nowhere but where I already am. 

Hence, my travels will be primarily for educational and personal purposes. I have no doubt that God will have a significant part in everything I do abroad. I am unsure of what will happen or even how much contact I’ll have with those in the states. My goal is to be open to new understanding and to grow in my experiences.  You are welcome to follow my journey (as internet availability permits) on my newly created blog. Otherwise, I hope all of you, my fellow blogging friends, have an excellent summer wherever it may be.

Lyrics from See the World by Gomez.

“My deepest concerns will stay buried and unspoken”

When you are a child, your parents hold the power. You do as they tell you to do. You might kick and scream the whole time, but they make the final call. The idea behind this act is that they know what’s best for you, and you are not capable of making reasonable decisions at such a young age. In the book of Proverbs, it says “Train a child in the way he should go, and when he is old he will not turn from it.”  The ultimate goal of parenting is to raise their children to learn what’s best and how to make those decisions on their own. As these children learn and grow, they do not need to depend quite so frequently on their parents.

Therein lies the major dilemma. Parents know how to play a particular role our entire lives. They know how to hold our hands, make our most important decisions, and tell us when it’s past our bedtime. Of course, this is hardly an exhaustive list, as the responsibilities of a parent are numerous and done sacrificially out of love.  It does become tricky however if they’ve raised us to the point where we are capable and intelligent and no longer need their constant assistance. There is a total separation in the relationship based on the change in roles. Their question becomes, “What part do I play in my child’s life?”  

The best part is, this question is never answered. Many parents struggling how to answer this question were once or probably still are wishing their parents knew the line between “help” and dictating how their lives should go. So how to deal? Some parents take the friends route. 

While this route may be a decent one to take, it still carries its own downsides. You can’t be friends with your parents. It sounds harsh and ridiculous, but think about it. Your friends act differently than your parents and likewise so are your relationships. You can try and be friends, but after a certain point a line is crossed. Without meaning to, someone reverts back to their previous roles and the friendship is not a friendship. Quite simply, a child cannot talk to his or her mom the same way he or she talks to her friends all the time. 

A few of my friends call their parents everyday, but they are the same people that still heavily rely on their parents. This is not wrong, but it is not independent either. They are so close to each other because the parents are still able to carry on the same supportive role. I find it especially interesting to see the same sort of conflict with those a few years older than me. They are a little more settled down and have careers and whatnot, but still they struggle to find this balance between friendship and over-involved parenting. 

If nothing else, I think it should be acknowledged and understood that there has to be a balance and continual effort. 

Lyrics from No Phone by Cake.

“Is there any point in wondering why, any point in wondering why”

There is an issue in the church that has to do with a lack of boundaries. You’ll probably find it in most churches, and it is an epidemic that could very easily wipe out any church population. The main crisis at hand is the fact that the church does not function as it should. What needs to happen is everyone should contribute…on their own free will. 

What I mean by this is that there are certain gifts bestowed upon each person, however not every person actively uses his or her gift. Because of this, those that have graciously given of themselves are left with the burden of all of the responsibilities of the church. 90% percent of church-goers are suddenly relying on the remaining 10% to get everything done. Unfortunately, there are countless consequences of this effect. 

Some of these may include – an over dependence on a small portion of the church yields less work, those doing all of the work are burned out, those not contributing feel outside of their own church, and people are easily taken advantage of.

I’m only going to rant about one of the consequences, but please note that there are several. People get taken advantage of – at church. Imagine! Is saying no to someone at church being selfish? The answer is no, yet people are constantly feeling the pressure and suddenly in over their head. Volunteer yourself, don’t drag me into this. 

Then the trust is broken. Awkwardness at church. It is no longer a safe haven or place of worship, but rather feels like somewhere to avoid. It is such an awful set-up. There needs to be a lesson on saying, “No” or “I have enough on my plate right now.” But more importantly, there needs to be the kindness from those cornering others…maybe no more cornering? 

So much babble for an issue that will never be resolved. If nothing else, it needs to be recognized. 

Lyrics from Another Little Hole by Aqualung.

“When it isn’t just a game, it’s the way we come undone”

March 20th, just one week ago, marked the beginning of spring. With spring comes change, new life, new rain, new love. The darkness of winter dies while the warm air embraces us. Each morning the sun shines earlier and brighter as we awaken to the birds singing nearby. Although New Years Resolutions start to fade, this is the time when transformation really occurs.

Blush a little, look across, coffee date

Seek advice, look around, find a mate,

Reconsider, look again, contemplate 

You decide, look away, must we wait?

Get engaged, look at rings, save the date,

Say the vows, look no more, celebrate

I can’t help but notice the rapid relationship changes sprouting all around me. Some are starting, others progressing, and some are done. It seems to commonly occur around this time, but I’ve never been able to put my finger on why. Jump on the bandwagon,  it’s going to be a bumpy ride. 

Lyrics from Snakes and Ladders by Basia Bulat.

“So I crawl back into your arms…”

I have flaws. I am inadequate. I let people down. I hurt feelings.  I make inexcusable excuses. I make mistakes. I make compromises. I fail. I can’t live up to your standards. I can’t give in to your demands. I run out of time. I run out of energy. I fall behind. I can’t get it right. 

At a point of exhaustion I find it impossible to get back up. I will and no doubt have, but unfortunately I don’t accomplish everything I wanted to along the way. It’s then that I wonder if I have ever done something right. All in all, it is a frustrating thing. I want so badly to do everything, but can’t. I was not called to be humanly perfect.

My only consolation is Martha and Mary. In Luke chapter 10 it talks about these two sisters. The first one is “distracted by all the preparations” and she wants her sister to help her. Jesus simply replies, “You are worried and upset about many things, but only one thing is needed..”

I want to focus on one thing. That’s all. My house might not be clean and dinner might not be picture perfect. Just give me Jesus.

Lyrics from Warning Sign by Coldplay.

“Upon your face, you may think you’re alone but you may think again”

The last three nights in a row I have had terrible nightmares. So bad that I have refrained from repeating some of the details. I have such vivid and imaginative dreams, that I rarely consider them to be only dreams until after the fact. I was convinced one of my friends was on death row, with me right behind him  as we headed toward a deep pool of murky water in which those before us had taken minutes to surface . Another night I was sure there was danger of a jellyfish attack. Yet another, I was certain I was told to go to my mother’s house to confirm she had died in her sleep. Each morning I have been woken up by the alarm’s annoying buzz, and have welcomed the interruption. In the moments between sleep and that startling noise I feel like I’ve had to fight to wake up from the horror. 

Dreams deeply affect me and sometimes even for several days following the dream. I go throughout the rest of my day in a seemingly slightly altered state of mind. You can only imagine the kind of damage three in a row could do. As I wake up I feel the urge to run to someone else in order to calm down. I want a hug and the reassurance that it was all a dream while they wipe the hair away from my face. 

When I was younger that person was my mom. America is such an interesting place though. Now, there is no one to do that for me. I’m not going to run into my roommate’s bed and expect her to not so much as flinch. No, that’d be an odd thing to do. All of my roommates are great, but I’m not about to run to them after a bad dream. 

I understand the importance of learning to do things for yourself…sorta. We shouldn’t always rely on others to accomplish things or in order to learn to grow into the people that we are. Yet at the same time, is being a part of an individualistic society all that it’s made out to be? If we are taught to cover all the bases in order to be independent, then how are we to understand our roles (within a relationship, friendship, job, or organization)? If we become so focused on being self-sufficient then we lose out on community.

I wonder if this causes problems in marriages. How are we supposed transition from being independent to co-dependent? Suddenly you are allowed to revert back to accepting help from another person? So they are allowed to soothe me after a bad dream? But what if by then I am so used to fighting the dream that I refuse all help they might be willing or able to give? 

Recently, I had a friend tell me about certain stresses in her life. She had been raised to cope with these things on her own, and is quite determined really. But then she said her boyfriend came over to her house and said, “Listen, you don’t have to do this all alone. I’m here.” While she was grateful, it was not something she had considered before then. Even before marriage, she found herself having to revert back to previous mode of thinking in order to function in her relationship with her boyfriend. 

 This friend’s story was not the only account of this sort of scenario that I’ve heard. I guess I feel there should be a better middle ground. While there are definite pros to discovering who you are, which is often done through independence, there also is probably a reason why America is one of the few cultures that are so individualistically driven. Perhaps it is something we should reconsider as a society. 

Lyrics from If She Wants Me by Belle and Sebastian.

“Don’t make a good thing bad”

“So, do you read the newspaper much?”  
“Nope, I don’t really like them.”

As a journalism major this is an odd response, which was met with an alarmed expression. Why I chose that major is irrelevant, but essentially I was interested in the classes and the communication department at Iowa State isn’t worth entering, unlike my last school. 

Perhaps I am too old-fashioned for the times, but I just want to be a mom. Am I fully capable of that? Probably not. Have I any idea of what that entails? Hardly. I do however deeply want my future kids to be brought up in a home, not a day care. What other people do is their own decision, but this is mine. In a sense, it’s my purpose. 

Now before you jump into assumptions and start accusing me of a double major, with the other being in MRS, chill. I am an intelligent and capable woman with the potential to be many things. There are numerous skills that I can bring to the table. I can easily manage a job as well as other various responsibilities. Among my close friends, I have probably worked more and longer throughout my life. For someone my age I consider myself to be fairly independent….and will file my taxes as such.

I want to be treated as an equal. This week there will be performances of the Vagina Monologues at Iowa State, which means all of those in Women’s Studies seem to surface out of nowhere. There are definite instances of mistreatment of women, and I do not think those should be ignored. But sometimes while striving for power and equality, women begin to lose sight of what they’re doing. Just because we should be treated as equals, does not mean we as women have the same strengths and weaknesses. We are different than men and instead of fighting to be the best at everything should embrace these differences. 

No, I am not approaching life in a career-minded manner. I don’t think I should have to, or have to defend myself for feeling that way. It just isn’t my goal in life. I am going to school, and I have full confidence that I will use some of the skills I learn here (emphasis on some…there are a certain number of stupid classes we all have to take for absolutely no reason – i.e. Library)  in some sort of job or responsibility. By no means do I plan on being a show mom that in reality has a nanny and housekeeper to take care of responsibilities and instead does lunch in order to keep up on the neighborhood social scene. Nor do I plan on being a housewife as soon as I get married and never have a stable job. There’s a lot to me, and I think I can accomplish many things. 

I’m tired though of this new modern trend, a world where suddenly I am a complete failure if I want to do “nothing more” than being a mom. I’m expected to hold down a full-time job, raise well-behaved and well-rounded children, put dinner on the table, and maintain my sanity? Really? Thanks feminist movement. Forget the glass ceiling, now we’re facing a glass floor.

I don’t need more woman power, just please give me respect, dignity, and love.

 

Lyrics from Sundress by Ben Kweller.

“And I believe in miracles, in miracles today”

I’ve touched on my feelings on the matter before, but I would like to say loud and clear that sometimes I hate the word “Christian” or at least the association that goes with it. Christ-follower is the new church jargon for the same thing, but it is only a matter of time before the term is also ridiculed for the hypocrisy and judgment it lavishes to all around them.

There are crazy people (and I am going to stick by that description, even if you disagree) that came to Missouri State every so often with bullhorns or signs condemning all the sinners. Last spring, as I was walking to class I saw a man who had a large crowd gathered around listening to him calling them all whores. Apparently, every girl on the campus is one because we were ALL having sex. News to me. His next topic was the flaming homosexuals. A girl next to me turned and said, “So if all the girls are whores but all the guys are gay, who is having sex?”

The whole time he kept yelling and pointing and telling people they were going to hell. Whilst doing so he waved his Bible around above his head. That’s the Bible I read and believe in. It makes me sick to my stomach. We somehow carry the same title of “Christian” yet I wanted to scream and shout saying, “This is not love! It’s about love!”

Today there was a very significant editorial published, and this time it wasn’t written by me. This blog might not seem to fit the editorial, but I assure you they relate. God is love. My faith is about love. Evangelism is love. I just want to love.

Lyrics from Miracles by James Laugerman.

“Yes, we speak of things that matter, with words that must be said”

Professional behavior. Please define this in a complete sentence: Acting in a manner that exhibits company ideals and best represents the company. No dictionary gave this definition; I suppose a company handbook would have to be the real place to look for professional behavior. It most likely varies from place to place but consists of a bunch of adjectives that exemplify someone of great character.

I have nothing against professional behavior, in fact, I’m rather fond of it in many cases. The problem is that sometimes professional behavior or professionalism have you, is rather vague in nature. Suddenly, you have customers, employees, and supervisors throwing out this phrase that is not specified. Or maybe, they don’t even throw out the phrase, just expect it of you.

For instance, yesterday, I sent an e-mail to my editor at The Daily saying I was too busy to take on any assignments this semester. The reasons I sent an e-mail are numerous. For starters, my main form of contact with my editors have been through e-mail. I had been given an assignment online. If I recall correctly, scheduling an interview and a job offer were both sent through e-mail. All information  ever sent to me about taking photos there were in the form of e-mail. However, within an hour, I was sent an e-mail saying she understood, but my behavior was unprofessional. I should have called at least.

Now, the point of this blog is not really to prove that I was right and she was wrong. My point is merely the irony behind it all. In this particular case, e-mail was the primary form of contact. Why am I suddenly expected to pick up the phone or go into the office? If my behavior was unprofessional, wasn’t hers? In order to tell me I was being unprofessional by e-mailing, she e-mailed me.

Perhaps I was in the wrong. In reality, it wasn’t that big of a deal. I rarely had many assignments last semester so I was hardly a loss to the staff. I have absolutely  no hard feelings toward anyone working there, I just didn’t have enough time. It was just so interesting to me how it played out.

Now that there is such an  overdependence on technology, people are losing face-to-face contact more and more in their daily lives. This gap in between personal and digital relations is becoming increasingly less by the day. Before we know it, corporations will be announcing that they are laying off hundreds of people through a blog. Oh wait. Maybe by turning down assignments via e-mail I was just keeping up with society. I was being trendy.

Lyrics from The Dangling Conversation by Simon & Garfunkel.

“The threat of your love in the headlights”

It’s time to confess – my most recent guilty pleasure has been watching The Bachelor. I caught up on the latest episode online tonight. My mom and sisters apparently have really gotten into it too, which is surprising to me. My mom will get on the phone with me and start chatting about his rose decisions. I have never seen a season of The Bachelor or The Bachelorette before now, but this one has been impressive from some reason. Naturally, he’s pretty cute (honest sidenote: I had a crush on a guy once that has a striking resemblance to him, weird), but the girls are equally intriguing. They all have their own strategies and fears and outstanding qualities. This episode he eliminated one more girl than he needed to, which added a dramatic twist.

Each and every one of the girls eventually crack and let some of their emotions out on the table (some sooner than others of course). While I’m sure they each want to appear to be calm and confident, on the inside they are all about ready to crumble. They have to balance between being interested and allowing themselves to fall for this great guy, while at the same time staying at a level that they will be able to bounce back with. Each week a few more go and they never know when it’s going to be them.

This lack of consistency has to be insane. I can’t imagine their relationship can ever truly grow in a healthy manner. Whoever this bachelor does decide to propose to at the end will have a tough time after all of the fireworks and glamour fade away. That woman will most likely always feel like she can never truly give of herself because they had to literally share him as their relationship developed.

Trust is such a crazy thing. It leaves you wondering if you’ll face rejection or deceit. No one wants to be that girl that feels duped because she was too naive to see what was happening all along. But then on the flip side, blocking out all love and emotion leaves you feeling more empty and unhappy, not to mention sends mixed messages to the one you have all of these feelings for. It’s not only the people on this ridiculous show that have to figure out how to maneuver through this, but everyone to a certain extent. Obviously, this show is an exaggerated example, which is why it is on television. Nonetheless, it is a hard thing to learn, and one that I still don’t have figured out.

Lyrics from Closing In by Imogen Heap