Articulations from the Extroverted Introvert

Fairfax is such a great band. One of my favorite songs of theirs is called “If I Die” and has been since last spring when I first found this band. The lyrics to it are amazing and I don’t know, I just really like it. I’d type up all the lyrics for you to read, but I have this thing about doing that. In a song, the empasis is on how you sing it, not merely what is said which is why if you want to hear it you can just click here. It was on a CD that I put together of a bunch of songs and I listened to it quite frequently over the summer. The song starts out sounding like a refrain that just picked up after a rest in the music. I loved it because it fit so well with the song that I put before it that it seemed like they were one song. I couldn’t figure out when one ended and the other began. You should probably just listen to it, and maybe even the other song sometime.

Anyway, when that day comes, whenever it may be, there is something that I want people to find. There is this blue notebook hidden in my room ( and also, tons of other notebooks so good luck finding the right one) that has basically my life written in it. But at the same time, not really. It’s not one of those journals/diaries that you write in every day about your feelings and what is constantly going on. No, I write in it maybe 3-5 times a year and have had it since 8th grade. Since then, tons of things have been written in it but not in chronological order or even within the same part of the notebook. What makes this more interesting is the fact that other than one page that has no connection with the rest of the notebook, it has never been seen.  There is plenty of really dumb stuff from freshman year or before that I would love to rip out but don’t. There is also plenty of things that have yet to be written that I cannot wait to add. This notebook is something pretty dear to me, but you’d never guess based on its condition.

I really used to love thinking. I am so busy that sometimes I would literally set aside time (written down in my planner) for me to sit and think about things.  Now, I hate doing that.

I don’t know where things went wrong, but it seems as though I have begun to see things more pessimistically than when I was younger. I haven’t decided if when I was younger I was extremely naive and oblivious, or if over the years I have lost my childlike innocence due to a series of events, resulting in seeing things in a different light. Have no fear, because by no means do I hate life or anything extreme like that. In fact, quite the contrary, I enjoy many different aspects of life. 

Lately though, I just have not wanted to allow myself to think about things. It’s as if I am afraid to be alone with my own thoughts anymore. I know I am not the only person like this, because many people will engage in activities with other people quite often just to drain out their own thoughts. Sometimes I may be guilty of this as well, but I still rather enjoy being by myself.  

This new trend of not wanting to think is extremely annoying to me. I want to sit and think! But every time I do, I end up regretting it because my thoughts are often negative. Why is this? I hate it. What made things change to be this way?

James Taylor wrote a fabulous (I just think that word is so funny) song titled “You’ve Got a Friend.” I won’t type out all the lyrics, but just listen to it sometime. I have come to realize that I have really good friends. I feel as though that song is talking about my friends.

They tease me to no end, but in a loving way. They let me come over and just talk until 2 in the morning, without much warning. They call to say, “Let’s walk the dog.” They offer me advice when needed. They write me letters even though I sometimes take awhile to respond. They will be goofy and make me laugh, even during times that would otherwise not be funny. They will call and talk forever without really having much to say. They will watch tv with me after a wonderful QT run. They will take dozens of pictures with me just for kicks and giggles. They will remember the smallest details about my life and follow up on them. They will sit in the car with me as I rant about something that bothers me. They will convince me of things that I need to be convinced of. They will pray with me, even over the phone. They will play made up games with me just to pass the time. They will give me the best hugs ever!

Here are just a few of the ones that have been there for me the most recently.

So, I try to keep myself from being vain. Really I do. I don’t dress up much, or wear make-up. I limit my time in front of the mirror. I’ll stay away from the mall because often that leads to wanting to find things to make yourself “better” in some way when really it’s  a waste. Those things are all pointless. Not neccessarily wrong- just frivolous, unhealthy, and often expensive.

Here’s the deal though- I have grown rather attached to my hair. When you grow it out, it becomes longer, which also makes your love for your hair stronger. I think that my hair was something that looked good on me. Is that vain to say? It just was something that looked nice, I thought. I was once told that that was one thing I had going for me.

Today, my friends, sadly I must say- most of my hair was dismembered and lay on the floor forgotten until the nearest broom swept it up to toss in the garbage. Now I have shorter hair and you know what?

I hate it.

Have you ever sat in a room with someone as they go on about something seemingly “knowing all the answers.” I find it rather hilarious, especially when they have no or limited knowledge/experience on the topic whatsoever. When you can see straight through that facade it just makes you want to burst into gales of laughter. Everybody does it, I know I do that at times too. I just find it so humorous that we pretend everything is fine and we know what we are doing, when in all reality, none of us do. Let’s just be forthright about things, okay? Quit pretending. It’s not a show of who knows more.

To start the trend here are a few things I have no idea about, but sometimes pretend to:

1. College decisions, yes. I am going to Missouri State as of yet, but really don’t know if I’ll be able to stick it out the whole 4 years (or more) or if I even want to go to college in all actuality. 
2. Career choices. Major? HAH! …let’s say accounting/business to make it seem as though I know what I want to do….okay no. I am going to quit that and just say “undecided”
3. My place in the world. Yeah, I’m pretty sure I haven’t found it yet. I have no idea what my true role is within my family, let alone the rest of my life.  
4. Okay really- just about EVERYTHING!

I love my planner. Without it where would I be? I would not know that I have a lunch date with Christine today, or that I needed to bring paper plates to the FCA lock-in last night. I wouldn’t know that there are 4 scholarships that have a deadline of December 1st which I need to get to. I might forget that there is no Route 56 or Pledge group this evening. I would not know that my paper for composition was due on Monday. I might not have any recollection of a shopping opportunity on Friday.  I may not have any idea when State Deca is (February 26-27) or when I graduate high school (May 27, 4:30).

I love this little book. Without it, I would be almost as lost as when my watch died.  This planner goes almost everywhere with me, and definitely comes in handy.

My planner is something that I am thankful for.

p.s. I only wish I was as cool as that lady on the back of my planner. I bet you wish you could be that cool too.

My family is something that God has placed in my life. On many occasions I wonder why exactly was I put into this very family. At times, it causes me a great deal of pain to live here, but there has to be some great reason as to why I am where I am. One of the reasons would most likely be that, without the trials, I would probably be no where near as close as I am to God. I just wish it didn’t take such difficult times for me to realize how helpless we all are without God.

For Thanksgiving my family is planning on going to Kansas City to visit with my Aunt Nicole, Uncle Todd, and cousins - Cienna, Jaeden, and Abrina. Here are some pictures from my visit with them a few weeks back:

 <– that’s Jaeden, she’s super tickle-ish!

Here’s me and all three of the girlies!

And finally, me and my sisters being ridiculous:

We take that for granted. Use it for our advatage sure, but have you ever stopped to think about how cool it is that we have the freedom to do just about anything we want. Of course, there are exceptions but not really. You can still do whatever you want, you may just have more severe consequences.

God is way smart (and many other wonderful things). Sometimes, when I am really frustrated with my latest mistake, I wish that He made us do the right thing all the time. But then, really I am glad. He gives us the freedom to make a choice about things. I wonder if things had been different, and we were forced to do things, if we would resent Him for it.

At times, I find myself annoyed with having to do things, but mainly because I do not want to be told to do it. Homework is an example of that. Once I actually start doing it I enjoy it and the chance to learn. Cleaning is also an example of something that I hate being told to do but actually really like.

In government the other day we were talking about all the things we are free to do in this country. Sure, sometimes we may disagree with the government, but that in itself- the ability to disagree and out loud- is a freedom we have. Have you ever stopped to think about how stinkin’ cool that is?

Lately, there have been many decisions I have had to make, and it has been hard. Thankfully, I have the option to be or not to be a part of all the things I am choosing. Recently I decided to remove myself from a situation within the next month. It was really difficult, but I am glad that I will no longer have to put myself through it.

Haha this jumped around a bit, but moral of the story: Freedom is wonderful.

Freedom is something that I am thankful for.

Does it seem like sometimes people act like the weather? It feels that way to me every once in a while. Why is that? It can be rather annoying, especially in the winter.

 I cannot wait until spring, even though winter has hardly started. Thankfully, I have a really warm winter coat to keep me warm, wonderful friends that aren’t as temperamental as the weather, and a hope for sunny days.

All that, and my space heater that keeps my room as warm as summer in the wintertime is something that I am thankful for.

Finally finding a college that I want to go to is something I am thankful for. Also, I am thankful for the amount of tuition money they will give me. Isn’t God amazing?