Articulations from the Extroverted Introvert

Something that is often overlooked is the topic of boundaries. There is a myth floating around out there that suggests that if you are a truly loving person then you must also be self-sacrificing and giving all the time. That is a hideous lie, and no one should have to suffer the guilt trip associated with it. In a perfect world, everyone would be self-sacrificing to a point that you would not be worried about someone else taking advantage of you. We don’t live in a perfect world. Therefore, it is harmful to yourself and the other person to constantly be giving. No one benefits from that kind of relationship, there must be a return.

Don’t mistake the point I am trying to make. In no way should you do things only for reciprocation. Also, understand that there will be times when it will seem more one way than the other. It becomes a problem though when there is no thanks or gratitude for the things you have done. It becomes a problem when you are constantly trying to please others and it is henceforth expected of you to give yourself. This is when you must realize that you are being used

For example, I’m friends with a girl from my political science class. She is super sweet and we get along well. Let’s call her Alicia, because that’s her name. Alicia is a Christian and really genuinely wants to show love to people. Enter Brett, sits in the front row and is a little odd. Brett skips class and often. When the first test came around he suddenly was desperate for notes because the teacher lectures without powerpoint or notes and the test are basically just from that. Alicia graciously offered to e-mail her notes. Test number two, “Alicia, can I still get notes from you?” Test three, “Did you get my e-mail? I need your notes.” Although seemingly gradual, suddenly Alicia is allowing Brett to skip class and all he has to do is ask for all of her notes nicely typed. Does he do anything in return? Is that what love is all about? Because to me, it seems that Brett is no longer learning how to prepare for the tests himself and be responsible for his actions. Alicia hates doing it, but now feels trapped.

This is where boundaries get to come into play. It is not a good idea to close yourself off to the world and say, “Good luck and have fun, but don’t expect anything from me.” Nah, that is not the best option overall (perhaps at times, but only rarely). There should be a balance between how much you are able to give, how much even needs to be given, and the purpose behind all of this giving. Please love people to no end, but don’t act as an enabler to do whatever they please.

If there were no boundaries you would just constantly be walked all over. I think that it is perfectly acceptable to get to a point and claim something of your own. These are my feelings. This is my time. This is my decision. This is my space. You don’t get to share them with me. Please respect me and my boundaries. I still love you, I promise, but understand this is hurting both you and me, not to mention our relationship.

Lyrics from Prophecy by Remy Zero.