“Upon your face, you may think you’re alone but you may think again”

The last three nights in a row I have had terrible nightmares. So bad that I have refrained from repeating some of the details. I have such vivid and imaginative dreams, that I rarely consider them to be only dreams until after the fact. I was convinced one of my friends was on death row, with me right behind him  as we headed toward a deep pool of murky water in which those before us had taken minutes to surface . Another night I was sure there was danger of a jellyfish attack. Yet another, I was certain I was told to go to my mother’s house to confirm she had died in her sleep. Each morning I have been woken up by the alarm’s annoying buzz, and have welcomed the interruption. In the moments between sleep and that startling noise I feel like I’ve had to fight to wake up from the horror. 

Dreams deeply affect me and sometimes even for several days following the dream. I go throughout the rest of my day in a seemingly slightly altered state of mind. You can only imagine the kind of damage three in a row could do. As I wake up I feel the urge to run to someone else in order to calm down. I want a hug and the reassurance that it was all a dream while they wipe the hair away from my face. 

When I was younger that person was my mom. America is such an interesting place though. Now, there is no one to do that for me. I’m not going to run into my roommate’s bed and expect her to not so much as flinch. No, that’d be an odd thing to do. All of my roommates are great, but I’m not about to run to them after a bad dream. 

I understand the importance of learning to do things for yourself…sorta. We shouldn’t always rely on others to accomplish things or in order to learn to grow into the people that we are. Yet at the same time, is being a part of an individualistic society all that it’s made out to be? If we are taught to cover all the bases in order to be independent, then how are we to understand our roles (within a relationship, friendship, job, or organization)? If we become so focused on being self-sufficient then we lose out on community.

I wonder if this causes problems in marriages. How are we supposed transition from being independent to co-dependent? Suddenly you are allowed to revert back to accepting help from another person? So they are allowed to soothe me after a bad dream? But what if by then I am so used to fighting the dream that I refuse all help they might be willing or able to give? 

Recently, I had a friend tell me about certain stresses in her life. She had been raised to cope with these things on her own, and is quite determined really. But then she said her boyfriend came over to her house and said, “Listen, you don’t have to do this all alone. I’m here.” While she was grateful, it was not something she had considered before then. Even before marriage, she found herself having to revert back to previous mode of thinking in order to function in her relationship with her boyfriend. 

 This friend’s story was not the only account of this sort of scenario that I’ve heard. I guess I feel there should be a better middle ground. While there are definite pros to discovering who you are, which is often done through independence, there also is probably a reason why America is one of the few cultures that are so individualistically driven. Perhaps it is something we should reconsider as a society. 

Lyrics from If She Wants Me by Belle and Sebastian.

“Don’t make a good thing bad”

“So, do you read the newspaper much?”  
“Nope, I don’t really like them.”

As a journalism major this is an odd response, which was met with an alarmed expression. Why I chose that major is irrelevant, but essentially I was interested in the classes and the communication department at Iowa State isn’t worth entering, unlike my last school. 

Perhaps I am too old-fashioned for the times, but I just want to be a mom. Am I fully capable of that? Probably not. Have I any idea of what that entails? Hardly. I do however deeply want my future kids to be brought up in a home, not a day care. What other people do is their own decision, but this is mine. In a sense, it’s my purpose. 

Now before you jump into assumptions and start accusing me of a double major, with the other being in MRS, chill. I am an intelligent and capable woman with the potential to be many things. There are numerous skills that I can bring to the table. I can easily manage a job as well as other various responsibilities. Among my close friends, I have probably worked more and longer throughout my life. For someone my age I consider myself to be fairly independent….and will file my taxes as such.

I want to be treated as an equal. This week there will be performances of the Vagina Monologues at Iowa State, which means all of those in Women’s Studies seem to surface out of nowhere. There are definite instances of mistreatment of women, and I do not think those should be ignored. But sometimes while striving for power and equality, women begin to lose sight of what they’re doing. Just because we should be treated as equals, does not mean we as women have the same strengths and weaknesses. We are different than men and instead of fighting to be the best at everything should embrace these differences. 

No, I am not approaching life in a career-minded manner. I don’t think I should have to, or have to defend myself for feeling that way. It just isn’t my goal in life. I am going to school, and I have full confidence that I will use some of the skills I learn here (emphasis on some…there are a certain number of stupid classes we all have to take for absolutely no reason – i.e. Library)  in some sort of job or responsibility. By no means do I plan on being a show mom that in reality has a nanny and housekeeper to take care of responsibilities and instead does lunch in order to keep up on the neighborhood social scene. Nor do I plan on being a housewife as soon as I get married and never have a stable job. There’s a lot to me, and I think I can accomplish many things. 

I’m tired though of this new modern trend, a world where suddenly I am a complete failure if I want to do “nothing more” than being a mom. I’m expected to hold down a full-time job, raise well-behaved and well-rounded children, put dinner on the table, and maintain my sanity? Really? Thanks feminist movement. Forget the glass ceiling, now we’re facing a glass floor.

I don’t need more woman power, just please give me respect, dignity, and love.

 

Lyrics from Sundress by Ben Kweller.

“And I believe in miracles, in miracles today”

I’ve touched on my feelings on the matter before, but I would like to say loud and clear that sometimes I hate the word “Christian” or at least the association that goes with it. Christ-follower is the new church jargon for the same thing, but it is only a matter of time before the term is also ridiculed for the hypocrisy and judgment it lavishes to all around them.

There are crazy people (and I am going to stick by that description, even if you disagree) that came to Missouri State every so often with bullhorns or signs condemning all the sinners. Last spring, as I was walking to class I saw a man who had a large crowd gathered around listening to him calling them all whores. Apparently, every girl on the campus is one because we were ALL having sex. News to me. His next topic was the flaming homosexuals. A girl next to me turned and said, “So if all the girls are whores but all the guys are gay, who is having sex?”

The whole time he kept yelling and pointing and telling people they were going to hell. Whilst doing so he waved his Bible around above his head. That’s the Bible I read and believe in. It makes me sick to my stomach. We somehow carry the same title of “Christian” yet I wanted to scream and shout saying, “This is not love! It’s about love!”

Today there was a very significant editorial published, and this time it wasn’t written by me. This blog might not seem to fit the editorial, but I assure you they relate. God is love. My faith is about love. Evangelism is love. I just want to love.

Lyrics from Miracles by James Laugerman.