After almost years of abandonment, yes, I am going to start this blog off with the cheesy and highly overused “quote the dictionary” trick. I haven’t been as committed to this blog in the past few years thanks to a few other adventures – traveling the world and getting married. It seemed they needed a blog of their own. Yesterday though, I glanced through these past “articulations” as I liked to call them and found a part of me that I had lost.

Recently, one of my supervisors referred to me as “introspective” which I’d never heard as a description of myself before then. It took me off guard, and I honestly did have to look it up to truly discover what it meant. Although it was said offhand, I can’t forget it or what it meant to hear it.

Despite the last few “adventure” blogs being a hit with the general public, it leaves me with no place to declare some of those examinations of my mind, feelings, and internal state. Does that mean those blogs are more shallow? Maybe. They were written for an audience, one that I must have deemed unable to handle the random and seemingly complex thoughts I once wrote. Maybe I felt they were too private to share with strangers. Or maybe I just wanted to voice my thoughts consistently, focusing only on one topic at a time. Either way, I stopped sharing some of my personal revelations.

As I am now married and thanks to an overwhelmingly limited amount of PTO, I don’t think a wedding blog or travel blog have much staying power. So what next? Find another topic to pour into? Consider my life and decide what will make the best blog? Revert to this long forgotten blog to record those ambiguous thoughts that occur throughout the day? What am I saying, and who is listening?

I want to convey, reveal, and even “articulate” the observations I make and the realities I discover. I want to write in a way that convinces someone to consider, forces me reflect, and alters any preconceived notions. I want to do what I’m meant to do.

Lyrics from Older Chests by Damien Rice.

Lyrics from The Chapel of Love by the Dixie Cups.

No, it’s not a mission trip.

I am very sure in my faith and if the opportunity presents itself, you can be certain I’ll share what I believe. My Bible will be with me at all times and read frequently. I will be praying for whatever God’s will is for this trip, and I implore you to do the same.  

Overall, I want to travel. The trip is through study abroad, and I’ll get some college credit for going. I know of others also going to China this summer through a campus ministry and that is great. I will admit however that sometimes I feel slight dissonance about being a Christian and going on a trip that does not revolve around missions. 

Perhaps it is my own projected apprehension, or maybe there actually is a sense of disappointment among certain circles. Regardless, please know that I have not abandoned my faith, but I have learned a lot from short term mission trips in the past. In my experience, I’ve probably gained more from those trips than the people I helped. Through such experiences I have grown both spiritually and as a person. Short term missions have a definite place and are important, however there is also a point in ones life when you want something more. 

I don’t want to spend only a week helping kids that see dozens of church groups a year. In my opinion, mission trips should not be used for travel. While there are people all over the world in need of love, there are several people equally deprived of knowing God’s love here, in the middle of Iowa. You have more than a week to love on them and pour into them. In fact, you can be their friend all the time, not for 10 days. That all being said, I do not think it is wrong to go on mission trips. I understand and believe that some people have a heart for overseas missions. Maybe one day I’ll be in a place in my life to do that long-term. Otherwise, I’d hope live my life as one big mission trip… to nowhere but where I already am. 

Hence, my travels will be primarily for educational and personal purposes. I have no doubt that God will have a significant part in everything I do abroad. I am unsure of what will happen or even how much contact I’ll have with those in the states. My goal is to be open to new understanding and to grow in my experiences.  You are welcome to follow my journey (as internet availability permits) on my newly created blog. Otherwise, I hope all of you, my fellow blogging friends, have an excellent summer wherever it may be.

Lyrics from See the World by Gomez.

Therein lies the major dilemma. Parents know how to play a particular role our entire lives. They know how to hold our hands, make our most important decisions, and tell us when it’s past our bedtime. Of course, this is hardly an exhaustive list, as the responsibilities of a parent are numerous and done sacrificially out of love.  It does become tricky however if they’ve raised us to the point where we are capable and intelligent and no longer need their constant assistance. There is a total separation in the relationship based on the change in roles. Their question becomes, “What part do I play in my child’s life?”  

The best part is, this question is never answered. Many parents struggling how to answer this question were once or probably still are wishing their parents knew the line between “help” and dictating how their lives should go. So how to deal? Some parents take the friends route. 

While this route may be a decent one to take, it still carries its own downsides. You can’t be friends with your parents. It sounds harsh and ridiculous, but think about it. Your friends act differently than your parents and likewise so are your relationships. You can try and be friends, but after a certain point a line is crossed. Without meaning to, someone reverts back to their previous roles and the friendship is not a friendship. Quite simply, a child cannot talk to his or her mom the same way he or she talks to her friends all the time. 

A few of my friends call their parents everyday, but they are the same people that still heavily rely on their parents. This is not wrong, but it is not independent either. They are so close to each other because the parents are still able to carry on the same supportive role. I find it especially interesting to see the same sort of conflict with those a few years older than me. They are a little more settled down and have careers and whatnot, but still they struggle to find this balance between friendship and over-involved parenting. 

If nothing else, I think it should be acknowledged and understood that there has to be a balance and continual effort. 

Lyrics from No Phone by Cake.

What I mean by this is that there are certain gifts bestowed upon each person, however not every person actively uses his or her gift. Because of this, those that have graciously given of themselves are left with the burden of all of the responsibilities of the church. 90% percent of church-goers are suddenly relying on the remaining 10% to get everything done. Unfortunately, there are countless consequences of this effect. 

Some of these may include – an over dependence on a small portion of the church yields less work, those doing all of the work are burned out, those not contributing feel outside of their own church, and people are easily taken advantage of.

I’m only going to rant about one of the consequences, but please note that there are several. People get taken advantage of – at church. Imagine! Is saying no to someone at church being selfish? The answer is no, yet people are constantly feeling the pressure and suddenly in over their head. Volunteer yourself, don’t drag me into this. 

Then the trust is broken. Awkwardness at church. It is no longer a safe haven or place of worship, but rather feels like somewhere to avoid. It is such an awful set-up. There needs to be a lesson on saying, “No” or “I have enough on my plate right now.” But more importantly, there needs to be the kindness from those cornering others…maybe no more cornering? 

So much babble for an issue that will never be resolved. If nothing else, it needs to be recognized. 

Lyrics from Another Little Hole by Aqualung.

Blush a little, look across, coffee date

Seek advice, look around, find a mate,

Reconsider, look again, contemplate 

You decide, look away, must we wait?

Get engaged, look at rings, save the date,

Say the vows, look no more, celebrate

I can’t help but notice the rapid relationship changes sprouting all around me. Some are starting, others progressing, and some are done. It seems to commonly occur around this time, but I’ve never been able to put my finger on why. Jump on the bandwagon,  it’s going to be a bumpy ride. 

Lyrics from Snakes and Ladders by Basia Bulat.

At a point of exhaustion I find it impossible to get back up. I will and no doubt have, but unfortunately I don’t accomplish everything I wanted to along the way. It’s then that I wonder if I have ever done something right. All in all, it is a frustrating thing. I want so badly to do everything, but can’t. I was not called to be humanly perfect.

My only consolation is Martha and Mary. In Luke chapter 10 it talks about these two sisters. The first one is “distracted by all the preparations” and she wants her sister to help her. Jesus simply replies, “You are worried and upset about many things, but only one thing is needed..”

I want to focus on one thing. That’s all. My house might not be clean and dinner might not be picture perfect. Just give me Jesus.

Lyrics from Warning Sign by Coldplay.

Dreams deeply affect me and sometimes even for several days following the dream. I go throughout the rest of my day in a seemingly slightly altered state of mind. You can only imagine the kind of damage three in a row could do. As I wake up I feel the urge to run to someone else in order to calm down. I want a hug and the reassurance that it was all a dream while they wipe the hair away from my face. 

When I was younger that person was my mom. America is such an interesting place though. Now, there is no one to do that for me. I’m not going to run into my roommate’s bed and expect her to not so much as flinch. No, that’d be an odd thing to do. All of my roommates are great, but I’m not about to run to them after a bad dream. 

I understand the importance of learning to do things for yourself…sorta. We shouldn’t always rely on others to accomplish things or in order to learn to grow into the people that we are. Yet at the same time, is being a part of an individualistic society all that it’s made out to be? If we are taught to cover all the bases in order to be independent, then how are we to understand our roles (within a relationship, friendship, job, or organization)? If we become so focused on being self-sufficient then we lose out on community.

I wonder if this causes problems in marriages. How are we supposed transition from being independent to co-dependent? Suddenly you are allowed to revert back to accepting help from another person? So they are allowed to soothe me after a bad dream? But what if by then I am so used to fighting the dream that I refuse all help they might be willing or able to give? 

Recently, I had a friend tell me about certain stresses in her life. She had been raised to cope with these things on her own, and is quite determined really. But then she said her boyfriend came over to her house and said, “Listen, you don’t have to do this all alone. I’m here.” While she was grateful, it was not something she had considered before then. Even before marriage, she found herself having to revert back to previous mode of thinking in order to function in her relationship with her boyfriend. 

 This friend’s story was not the only account of this sort of scenario that I’ve heard. I guess I feel there should be a better middle ground. While there are definite pros to discovering who you are, which is often done through independence, there also is probably a reason why America is one of the few cultures that are so individualistically driven. Perhaps it is something we should reconsider as a society. 

Lyrics from If She Wants Me by Belle and Sebastian.

As a journalism major this is an odd response, which was met with an alarmed expression. Why I chose that major is irrelevant, but essentially I was interested in the classes and the communication department at Iowa State isn’t worth entering, unlike my last school. 

Perhaps I am too old-fashioned for the times, but I just want to be a mom. Am I fully capable of that? Probably not. Have I any idea of what that entails? Hardly. I do however deeply want my future kids to be brought up in a home, not a day care. What other people do is their own decision, but this is mine. In a sense, it’s my purpose. 

Now before you jump into assumptions and start accusing me of a double major, with the other being in MRS, chill. I am an intelligent and capable woman with the potential to be many things. There are numerous skills that I can bring to the table. I can easily manage a job as well as other various responsibilities. Among my close friends, I have probably worked more and longer throughout my life. For someone my age I consider myself to be fairly independent….and will file my taxes as such.

I want to be treated as an equal. This week there will be performances of the Vagina Monologues at Iowa State, which means all of those in Women’s Studies seem to surface out of nowhere. There are definite instances of mistreatment of women, and I do not think those should be ignored. But sometimes while striving for power and equality, women begin to lose sight of what they’re doing. Just because we should be treated as equals, does not mean we as women have the same strengths and weaknesses. We are different than men and instead of fighting to be the best at everything should embrace these differences. 

No, I am not approaching life in a career-minded manner. I don’t think I should have to, or have to defend myself for feeling that way. It just isn’t my goal in life. I am going to school, and I have full confidence that I will use some of the skills I learn here (emphasis on some…there are a certain number of stupid classes we all have to take for absolutely no reason – i.e. Library)  in some sort of job or responsibility. By no means do I plan on being a show mom that in reality has a nanny and housekeeper to take care of responsibilities and instead does lunch in order to keep up on the neighborhood social scene. Nor do I plan on being a housewife as soon as I get married and never have a stable job. There’s a lot to me, and I think I can accomplish many things. 

I’m tired though of this new modern trend, a world where suddenly I am a complete failure if I want to do “nothing more” than being a mom. I’m expected to hold down a full-time job, raise well-behaved and well-rounded children, put dinner on the table, and maintain my sanity? Really? Thanks feminist movement. Forget the glass ceiling, now we’re facing a glass floor.

I don’t need more woman power, just please give me respect, dignity, and love.

Lyrics from Sundress by Ben Kweller.

There are crazy people (and I am going to stick by that description, even if you disagree) that came to Missouri State every so often with bullhorns or signs condemning all the sinners. Last spring, as I was walking to class I saw a man who had a large crowd gathered around listening to him calling them all whores. Apparently, every girl on the campus is one because we were ALL having sex. News to me. His next topic was the flaming homosexuals. A girl next to me turned and said, “So if all the girls are whores but all the guys are gay, who is having sex?”

The whole time he kept yelling and pointing and telling people they were going to hell. Whilst doing so he waved his Bible around above his head. That’s the Bible I read and believe in. It makes me sick to my stomach. We somehow carry the same title of “Christian” yet I wanted to scream and shout saying, “This is not love! It’s about love!”

Today there was a very significant editorial published, and this time it wasn’t written by me. This blog might not seem to fit the editorial, but I assure you they relate. God is love. My faith is about love. Evangelism is love. I just want to love.

Lyrics from Miracles by James Laugerman.