All I have to say is -

BLAH BLAH BLAH

I miss you

After raising it for months and months I finally had no choice but to let go. My little baby plant is not with me, and I honestly do miss him. Lloyd is his name. He could not make the trip out to Iowa with me, so I had to entrust him into the hands of my R.A. It has been quite the emotional experience for me. Now I have a better understanding of my mother. You give all this love and care into something before handing it over to someone who could never love it as much as you. This is all very upsetting. I need to be back for my plant. Poor Lloyd, out in the world, all alone.

Expectations

Satisfaction is a rare entity these days among Americans. Being content is uncommon. I went to see a professor the other day, and he basically asked what I was unhappy with. I had nothing to say to him. While I may want certain things in my life to improve or change, I have no problem with how things are or who I am. The reason being I had no expectations for school or his class. When a person has expectations they are destined to be let down. I am in no way saying to lower standards. Standards and expectations are completely different. If there are no expectations, then anything above what is (not) expected is appreciated. I don’t expect nice things. When I don’t get nice things I don’t feel quite so left out or upset.

Another thing about expectations are that they are often unspoken. This expectation is often the worst kind because then no one can actually please you because how are they to know? Don’t get upset when people don’t pull through with your unspoken expectations. That’s not fair. Inform them of what is important to you. At the same time, understand the thoughts and feelings of others. Just because something has not been said directly does not mean that it should not be addressed.

Expectations that people have of you are good and bad. It can encourage you to better yourself and motivate you to meet these expectations. At the same time, it can be an incredible pressure that is unnecessary and a burden. Sometimes it feels as if they have no right to have such expectations. Why do we have to be so ridiculous about expectations?Please, calm down.

Expectations are lame and unfortunate. Just give up.

“I wanna hang onto something”

Tonight was when I set out to clear my desk and purge all math assignments and philosophy notes. Finally I am done with finals and am ready to go (other than the fact that I still need to pack, but that is besides the point) at seven tomorrow morning. The thing is, I can’t clear off my desk. Why? Due to distractions? Well, maybe. But also, because I am a terrible packrat.

Everything is going to be of some value somehow to someone someday right? No. I found countless ziplock bags (which are incredibly handy), random ribbons that were once tied on my pillow case, paper snowflakes, tons of buttons that I have no idea where they came from, a few chapsticks, every notecard or greeting card I have received in the last four months, bobby pins galore, a pumpkin pin, chopsticks, napkins, two cookie tins, a cardboard earring box, nail polish, boxtops, and of course a mound of handouts. And you know what? None of that could be thrown out. Well, I condensed the pile of papers, but even that pile is still pretty high.

I think the reason behind it is my hate of wastefulness. Everything can be recycled somehow, or so I seem to think. It’s a terrible habit, but I can’t help it. There’s just gotta be another use for that old sock, wrinkled tissue paper (not tissues, but the wrapping paper stuff), yellow piece of paper, broken barrette, empty box, or old receipt right?

My alternate uses (thought up on the spot):

old sock - cleaning object, use for wrapping breakables, special hiding place, blackmail (if smelly)
wrinkled tissue paper - reuse as tissue paper, use as tissue, use as napkin, decorate walls by making it into a flower, place over corkboard for a different color background, (see yellow paper for more)
yellow piece of paper - turn it around and use as a yellow matting to a picture, doll clothes?, greeting card, note paper, folder divider, paper jewelery (I hear it’s making a comeback from when we were three)
broken barrette - this is tricky: decoration to an old frame or box, mousetrap?, use instead of bow on a present, reconstruct into headband topper, cake decoration
empty box - container (obviously), hat, shoe, shelter, sentimental value, makeshift corkboard/poster board, weapon to hit with in lieu of a pillow
old receipt - bookmark, scratch paper, gum wrapper, paper snowflake, way to mark your trail when lost in the woods, proof of purchase (duh)

Feel free to give me yours. (your alternate uses, not your useless stuff)

Lyrics from Globes & Maps by Something Corporate.

“And there are things you can’t avoid, you have to face them”

Finals Suck.

That is really all that needs to be said. In fact, I really wanted to put up a picture of the top level of one of the dorms. Quite simply, they used Christmas lights to say that very phrase. Every time I went to take it they were missing a letter or it was raining or my camera was not cooperating. Or all three. Here’s the best I have for you.

 

 

Lyrics from Fight Test by The Flaming Lips.

“It’s beginning to look a lot like Christmas!”

For some odd reason unknown to me, high schools cannot have the slightest hint of Christmas decoration. Something about the separation of church and state. Why is it then that the capital buildings are allowed to have elaborate trees adorning the hallways. Why, even the White House has a stunning display this time of year.

Now I am no longer in high school but this thing called a university. Here there are giant wreathes and trees that have been put up just this week. One particular tree was put up again today. Upon noticing it on Monday I wondered if there would be some sort of quarrel concerning it. Nonetheless, it made me smile. On Tuesday I did not go to that building because I decided sleeping was more fun than class. By Wednesday the tree had been removed and it was a heated topic of discussion within my religion class. Today, as I was walking out of class I noticed three ladies putting it back up and have come to find out that the professor of the class I skipped on Tuesday was the one who demanded that it be taken down. Lame. I would skip the day my professor throws a fit about a Christmas tree.

My roommate and I would also like to decorate for Christmas. We then realized we are both broke. Our plan is to have a Charlie Brown Christmas. In order to have Christmas decorations on a budget we are making snowflakes and paper chains to put up all over the room. A branch from the pine tree with a blanket wrapped around it will serve as our tree. Christmas decorations and music just make me happy. This blog had no specific direction or purpose but I am happy about decorations and music. The end.

“Everything feels the same; I’ve got to get away; tell me it’s not too late”

Ever since I was young I knew I would move far away as soon as possible. Senior year came and Missouri State seemed like the best option as far as school goes on both financial and location standpoints. I’ve been there for a few months and have quickly discovered it was not far enough.

Every time I return I feel as though I never really got away. It’s almost suffocating. Please, don’t take offense. I love many people who are still in Iowa. Over the years I have grown to love certain things about Iowa and talk about it frequently while in Missouri. Despite all this, I feel the need to branch out further and farther. It’s about finding who I am.

Sounds silly, I know. When people say they are taking a break or going away to “find themselves” I tend to not take them seriously. How is finding yourself going to change who you are or help in any way? For me I think it is about establishing a deeper maturity in being able to get along without a miniature community already in existence (i.e. high school, college). Those provide so much, making things ridiculously simple. I yearn for more of a challenge. Throw me in a different part of the country and see how I do. So it will be hard, and maybe I’ll fail. Who cares? I cannot be that person that lives with their parents until they are married or done with school. Sure, I’m a little scared about becoming more independent, but I am so tired of being the least bit dependent that it is the only option.

Most likely, I will continue my education until it is complete (possible double major) in Missouri. Just the same, during the summers or breaks I would really like to do something different. Let me study abroad. Let me work a job that is an incredible short term experience. Let me meet people that are not the norm. Let me live somewhere crazy. Let me make the important decisions. Let me choose a life that is my own.

Lyrics from Let’s Make This Moment a Crime by The Format.

“Tell me what do you know about moving forward?”

I’m to the point where I want to be ridiculously blunt to everyone I know. I have never lived surrounded by this much petty drama in my life. I am hardly able to handle it. There are times that I am in disbelief of what is going on. Can I just run up to them, scream, and shake their shoulders until it gets through?

No, I cannot. You know what happens instead? Someone does something stupid (i.e. cheats on boyfriend, runs back to stupid and abusive boyfriend, refuses to talk to roommate, guilt trips people into doing things, etc.) and then other people talk behind their backs. Then the person finds out people are talking about them. Next is the cry session which lasts any given length of time. Next is the bitter stage which never really ends. For a split second comes the moment when I think they got it and are going to move on, no longer needing a shoulder to cry on. Lastly, that same someone does something stupid. Nine times out of ten it’s the same stupid thing they did in the first place.

Is it bad that I no longer want to listen to the whining and the crying? Honestly, some of these things are brought on completely by themselves. How long am I to continue to have sympathy? When does it get to the point where I am allowed to say “you’re being stupid, straight up.”

Chill out. Grow up. Move on.

Lyrics from Tell Me by Dropping Daylight.

“I gotta say it does you no favors”

I am currently sitting smack dab in the middle of two extremely significant days that are both very uncomplementary to two different groups of people. Both girls and guys will be affected. I am unfortunately not excited about either option.

Today Halloween was celebrated, which is most certainly not my favorite holiday. In case you were somehow out of the know, Halloween is an excuse for most girls to dress scantily despite it being only 50 degrees outside. Some of the costumes that I saw I would not be comfortable wearing as a bathing suit. Granted, I am much more modest than most my age, but still. This may be a bit frank, but I probably wear more undergarments than they were wearing clothes. It’s craziness. And really, it doesn’t look that great. Then there is the whole mask ordeal. This creeps me out because you have no idea who it is or what they may do.

Tomorrow/now officially today marks the beginning of No Shave November. EW. By now if you know me at all, you know know I cannot stand facial hair (although I may have to slightly revise my standpoint because of a mature transformation it can have on a few guys. By a few guys I mean probably four in the whole world, and you are not one of them). It looks really gross and is scratchy and gross and gross. If it wouldn’t be so insanely boring I’d fill this entire paragraph with the words YUCK or EW. Gross. Actually, I’d be perfectly fine with this holiday if all participating boys agreed to be clean-shaven the rest of the year. This never works though, therefore I will revert back to YUCK.

Why does all of this unattrativeness need to occur within the same week? Maybe I just won’t shower all week to show that I am in a state of mourning. Yeah, that’ll teach them.

Lyrics from A Cold World by The Electric Soft Parade.

“The more I think about it, the more I know it’s true”

My advice: park as far away from your destination as you can within the parking lot. Then walk there.

Lyrics from Walken by Wilco.