Category Archives: College

“When it isn’t just a game, it’s the way we come undone”

March 20th, just one week ago, marked the beginning of spring. With spring comes change, new life, new rain, new love. The darkness of winter dies while the warm air embraces us. Each morning the sun shines earlier and brighter as we awaken to the birds singing nearby. Although New Years Resolutions start to fade, this is the time when transformation really occurs.

Blush a little, look across, coffee date

Seek advice, look around, find a mate,

Reconsider, look again, contemplate 

You decide, look away, must we wait?

Get engaged, look at rings, save the date,

Say the vows, look no more, celebrate

I can’t help but notice the rapid relationship changes sprouting all around me. Some are starting, others progressing, and some are done. It seems to commonly occur around this time, but I’ve never been able to put my finger on why. Jump on the bandwagon,  it’s going to be a bumpy ride. 

Lyrics from Snakes and Ladders by Basia Bulat.

“So I crawl back into your arms…”

I have flaws. I am inadequate. I let people down. I hurt feelings.  I make inexcusable excuses. I make mistakes. I make compromises. I fail. I can’t live up to your standards. I can’t give in to your demands. I run out of time. I run out of energy. I fall behind. I can’t get it right. 

At a point of exhaustion I find it impossible to get back up. I will and no doubt have, but unfortunately I don’t accomplish everything I wanted to along the way. It’s then that I wonder if I have ever done something right. All in all, it is a frustrating thing. I want so badly to do everything, but can’t. I was not called to be humanly perfect.

My only consolation is Martha and Mary. In Luke chapter 10 it talks about these two sisters. The first one is “distracted by all the preparations” and she wants her sister to help her. Jesus simply replies, “You are worried and upset about many things, but only one thing is needed..”

I want to focus on one thing. That’s all. My house might not be clean and dinner might not be picture perfect. Just give me Jesus.

Lyrics from Warning Sign by Coldplay.

“Don’t make a good thing bad”

“So, do you read the newspaper much?”  
“Nope, I don’t really like them.”

As a journalism major this is an odd response, which was met with an alarmed expression. Why I chose that major is irrelevant, but essentially I was interested in the classes and the communication department at Iowa State isn’t worth entering, unlike my last school. 

Perhaps I am too old-fashioned for the times, but I just want to be a mom. Am I fully capable of that? Probably not. Have I any idea of what that entails? Hardly. I do however deeply want my future kids to be brought up in a home, not a day care. What other people do is their own decision, but this is mine. In a sense, it’s my purpose. 

Now before you jump into assumptions and start accusing me of a double major, with the other being in MRS, chill. I am an intelligent and capable woman with the potential to be many things. There are numerous skills that I can bring to the table. I can easily manage a job as well as other various responsibilities. Among my close friends, I have probably worked more and longer throughout my life. For someone my age I consider myself to be fairly independent….and will file my taxes as such.

I want to be treated as an equal. This week there will be performances of the Vagina Monologues at Iowa State, which means all of those in Women’s Studies seem to surface out of nowhere. There are definite instances of mistreatment of women, and I do not think those should be ignored. But sometimes while striving for power and equality, women begin to lose sight of what they’re doing. Just because we should be treated as equals, does not mean we as women have the same strengths and weaknesses. We are different than men and instead of fighting to be the best at everything should embrace these differences. 

No, I am not approaching life in a career-minded manner. I don’t think I should have to, or have to defend myself for feeling that way. It just isn’t my goal in life. I am going to school, and I have full confidence that I will use some of the skills I learn here (emphasis on some…there are a certain number of stupid classes we all have to take for absolutely no reason – i.e. Library)  in some sort of job or responsibility. By no means do I plan on being a show mom that in reality has a nanny and housekeeper to take care of responsibilities and instead does lunch in order to keep up on the neighborhood social scene. Nor do I plan on being a housewife as soon as I get married and never have a stable job. There’s a lot to me, and I think I can accomplish many things. 

I’m tired though of this new modern trend, a world where suddenly I am a complete failure if I want to do “nothing more” than being a mom. I’m expected to hold down a full-time job, raise well-behaved and well-rounded children, put dinner on the table, and maintain my sanity? Really? Thanks feminist movement. Forget the glass ceiling, now we’re facing a glass floor.

I don’t need more woman power, just please give me respect, dignity, and love.

 

Lyrics from Sundress by Ben Kweller.

“And I believe in miracles, in miracles today”

I’ve touched on my feelings on the matter before, but I would like to say loud and clear that sometimes I hate the word “Christian” or at least the association that goes with it. Christ-follower is the new church jargon for the same thing, but it is only a matter of time before the term is also ridiculed for the hypocrisy and judgment it lavishes to all around them.

There are crazy people (and I am going to stick by that description, even if you disagree) that came to Missouri State every so often with bullhorns or signs condemning all the sinners. Last spring, as I was walking to class I saw a man who had a large crowd gathered around listening to him calling them all whores. Apparently, every girl on the campus is one because we were ALL having sex. News to me. His next topic was the flaming homosexuals. A girl next to me turned and said, “So if all the girls are whores but all the guys are gay, who is having sex?”

The whole time he kept yelling and pointing and telling people they were going to hell. Whilst doing so he waved his Bible around above his head. That’s the Bible I read and believe in. It makes me sick to my stomach. We somehow carry the same title of “Christian” yet I wanted to scream and shout saying, “This is not love! It’s about love!”

Today there was a very significant editorial published, and this time it wasn’t written by me. This blog might not seem to fit the editorial, but I assure you they relate. God is love. My faith is about love. Evangelism is love. I just want to love.

Lyrics from Miracles by James Laugerman.

“You step a little closer each day”

Thirteen years old, braces, and ugly bangs. You could not pay me enough to return to junior high.  We played MASH and tried to figure out who’d live in a house with ten kids and who’d live in a mansion alone. There was a new boy of interest each day, mainly because I couldn’t get any of them to give me the time of day. There are only a few memories of that time I can consider pleasant. I always knew I would make it out alive, but I did often wonder if everybody else felt the same way I did. If they felt just as ugly and awkward, then why did they have to be so mean and make matters worse?

My way out was high school. I’d dream about being old enough to say I was in high school. Soon, I started gravitating toward people older than me, seemingly more mature than my own peers. While some wore more makeup to feel older I went after something more than what was surface deep and just acted as if I actually were older. My mom always told me I tried to grow up too fast.

Now I find myself in college, planning to graduate a year early and looking toward a possible career paths. I’m not completely sure why I am always looking so far ahead, but I’ve decided it is okay. It’s not that I am without satisfaction or contentment. I’m thrilled that I transferred this year and have been really enjoying various aspects of this year. I think I just want to experience all that life has to offer, meaning that I want to get to it all quicker. I don’t live in the past, nor do I feel any need to hold onto the present. Times will come and go. Striving to reach what’s ahead is how I best approach what’s been given to me.

Lyrics from Cannonball by Damien Rice.

“There will be food in our mouths”

After months of abandoning this blog, I return to writing. There were many instances in which I thought about writing things, but they never seemed good enough to be the comback blog. I don’t have many excuses for being gone, just haven’t been here I guess.

This week has been a stressful one, but not because of impending finals and papers. No, the reason was something more. The latest Ethos article was released on Wednesday and it makes me sick to my stomach just thinking about it. Honestly, I walked out of the room of my first class thinking I was about to vomit due to the stress it has had on me. At the same time, I wouldn’t do things any differently.

Until Wednesday, I was an Ethos staff member. After reading content I was fully unaware would be included in the issue and then writing an intense editorial with my roommates, it became very apparent that I had to quit. The most recent issue contained dirty language and displayed values (or lack thereof) that I am not proud to represent as a staff member including having sex in the library, treating family poorly, and where to get hammered. At that point, I needed to speak up for what I’d like to represent. I was proud to put my name on something that demanded we exemplify something greater than a life of self-indulgence.

Today, that editorial was published in the Daily at Iowa State. When I quit, I forewarned both of my editors of the possibility of this editorial and was told to expect and editorial from them in response. The faculty adviser of the magazine also had a talk with me. What I did was extremely unprofessional, but profession aside, I did what needed to be done from a moral standpoint.

So if you’re feeling the need to read an editorial from three Christian girls that would like to see the average standards of college students to be raised, then go to the Iowa State Daily website and see for yourself. Although I’m nervous of how my editors may come back at me, I am at peace with doing what was absolutely required of me in order to maintain my integrity.

Here’s the link: http://www.iowastatedaily.com/articles/2008/12/11/opinion/letters/doc4941f0d991b3f445367757.txt

Lyrics from Teeth in the Grass by Iron and Wine.

“I see myself in slow motion”

In my film class I have learned more than I ever thought I would learn. Who knew the plot line and story line were nothing alike? The list of movies I’d like to see has multiplied, and I have found a new love of foreign films. I am realizing that I have favorite directors and understanding more of the work that really goes into each and every second of a film.

One of the things we have talked about is the way certain directors do things. Each one typically has a way of doing things with each film sharing similar messages or having common motifs. I began to wonder if it was always intentional or it just naturally happened. There are also an array of deeper meanings we often fail to see. It took me awhile to wrap my brain around this for some reason.

Finally, I realized that I do the same thing with my blogs. Each are unique to the post, but have a common line of thinking. There are motifs that carry throughout them, and also deeper meanings that are hidden or accidental. They say a lot about what I am thinking, but at the same time seem to only scratch the surface.

When a director makes a film it really reflects the kind of things they are thinking and major influences present. It is their creative release that they choose to share with all of us. Having a deeper understanding of it has caused my to find a greater appreciation of film.

Lyrics from Black and White Movie by Janove Ottesen.