Category Archives: light

“So I crawl back into your arms…”

I have flaws. I am inadequate. I let people down. I hurt feelings.  I make inexcusable excuses. I make mistakes. I make compromises. I fail. I can’t live up to your standards. I can’t give in to your demands. I run out of time. I run out of energy. I fall behind. I can’t get it right. 

At a point of exhaustion I find it impossible to get back up. I will and no doubt have, but unfortunately I don’t accomplish everything I wanted to along the way. It’s then that I wonder if I have ever done something right. All in all, it is a frustrating thing. I want so badly to do everything, but can’t. I was not called to be humanly perfect.

My only consolation is Martha and Mary. In Luke chapter 10 it talks about these two sisters. The first one is “distracted by all the preparations” and she wants her sister to help her. Jesus simply replies, “You are worried and upset about many things, but only one thing is needed..”

I want to focus on one thing. That’s all. My house might not be clean and dinner might not be picture perfect. Just give me Jesus.

Lyrics from Warning Sign by Coldplay.


“Sometimes I’d rather dwell in the darkness”

Fluorescent lights are the worst things EVER. The piercing brightness never fades. If I were a violent person, I think I would go around smashing every single one in sight. Then there would be no light, because that is all this campus is made of! Every single classroom, bathroom, dorm room, staircase, and hallway. My dorm room alone is complete with three of the wretched things. It is amazing to what extent I am willing to go out of my way in order to prevent exposure to them.

Each morning, I rush to open the curtains to get the morning sunlight and avoid going over to flip the switch (and also to ensure that my plant stays alive, but that’s a different story). I will not turn on the fluorescent grossness, even if it means I hide in a corner to maintain my dignity while changing with the window open (we are on the fifth floor so it’s not like everyone can see). I have brought two additional lamps of my own to turn on if the sunlight is not enough. I have explicitly stated to my roommate to turn on my lamps at any time, because I hate the alternative.

In class I say to whoever is next to me how much it bugs me (Yeah, I have no idea why they are friends with me, much less, continue to sit next to me. Why are any of you my friend? I’m stinkin’ weird.) I think I may have yelled (but not in a mean tone) at my roommate for turning the nasty thing on at least a dozen times. Why must I be surrounded by this awful thing constantly?

I honestly get headaches if I am subjected to such a sight for even a short period of time. Don’t you know that flashing them causes seizures to children? I kid you not. (I’m a nerd and have looked up some info to back up this argument) Research concludes that students perform better in school if under full-spectrum bulbs. Also, increased suicide rates are often linked to fluorescent lights. Other risks include cancer, depression, ADD, and sleep disorders. You are in fact twice as likely to get skin cancer of overexposure from fluorescent lights than from the sun.

I love the environment, really I do, but I don’t care whatsoever that they use less energy. They are SICK. The glare, oh the glare! It’s blinding! Please, do yourself a favor and get real light bulbs for the people you love. They’ll love you back.

Lyrics from Light Switch by Jaime Wyatt

Sweet Dreams Love

Simple. Absolutely one of the easiest things in the world. There are no lessons that need to be taught. In fact, second only to maybe crying (another struggle of mine), it is one of the first things done after being born. All I have to do is sleep. People can fall asleep in all kinds of places under ridiculous circumstances. It doesn’t matter. Outdoors, indoors, hot, cold, tired, bored, happy, sad, young, old, hungry, full, pillow, blanket, noise, silence, darkness, light, none of it matters. Some people are even capable of falling asleep in class or while driving, places one should never fall asleep.

My roommate can easily fall asleep while doing homework or talking on the phone. Today, she had the luxury of taking a nap after lunch (at the expense of one of her classes but whatever). She’s asleep now right now. Every once in a while she “wakes up” asking if she was asleep. Less than a minute later she is asleep once more.

So why not me? I want sleep. I am not sure when the last time was that I was able to fall asleep before 2 or 3. Sure, often I go to bed at a late time, but regardless I am unable to fall asleep. I just lay in bed, sometimes with oodles of thoughts running through my head, while other times nothing at all to occupy my mind. Around 8 or 9 each night I am almost exhausted and want nothing more than to lay my head on the pillow. This never happens though because 8 or 9 is when everything is just getting going, or I am worried I won’t wake up in time to finish my homework. If only I could store up that exhaustion. This very moment I am incredibly tired, but no matter. I’ll be up a minimum of an hour from now. But why?

I just can’t sleep.

Week 1

So, from my post at the library, I am here to report about the first week in the apartment. I have learned many valuable things about living in an apartment and am here to educate all you suburban white people that have probably never set foot in one, unless you are counting the ones at college (totally doesn’t count).

For starters, things are slightly different altogether for me and my family as we have chosen the cheap way of living. No internet, 4 channels on the tv (thanks to my rabbit ears), no microwave, and a two bedroom space for all four of us. Not exactly “roughing it” however, most certainly not “living it up” either.

In my findings, it appears as though everyone who has never been to an apartment, much less lived in one, has this notion that apartments are a great place for parties and hang out. Totally not true. Maybe the million-dollar penthouse apartments in New York, but definitely not the ones normal people live in because they cannot afford a house. No, this is a cramped area that basically the whole time you are there you just want to find a corner to claim as your own because you can never truly get away from anyone. It’s alright, you didn’t know any better. I’ll admit that before moving there I had the idea that it would be small, but almost “cute and cozy.” Ahem…nope.

Each morning I am greeted by a black cat that seems to think the best way to introduce himself is by hissing at me before retreating underneath to a nearby car. Having never found cats to be particularly attractive or appealing, that cat better hope it never runs under my car, because it may not ever return. (okay…that’s a little bit of sarcasm there, but really it does not start my morning off right).

I have acquired many keys now. You must have a key for both the entry door and the apartment door. This can become a serious inconvenience at times. Also, remember that the main door is shared by who knows how many other people.

The narrow hallways remind me of a rundown hotel, dimly lit by annoying fluorescent lights. Walking past each room allows you to hear a bit of their lives for a moment, just like they can hear yours. All times during the day and the night you hear someone walking around, opening/shutting a door, or bounding down the stairs. What’s weird though is that until today I had never even seen anyone else on our floor, and today I just saw some lady taking the trash out to the dumpsters outside. We said hello but that was the extent of our meeting. I really would like to meet someone interesting.

It’s been weird, but I don’t have time to elaborate further due to a great deal of homework I must do before leaving the library in order to watch tonight’s new episode of Grey’s Anatomy! Woo! More about the apartment later…